6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
