My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
