last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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