the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
The air was thick with penises
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
