my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
