Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
