i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
