My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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