Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
