Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
