i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
