Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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