Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize