I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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