She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
