so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
