I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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