I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
