i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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