So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
