Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
