i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
