I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
