Can i not drive my cunt home
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Randomize
