For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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