I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
