I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
