My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Randomize
