Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I have post one night stand depression
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
