fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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