He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Green mimosas i think yes
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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