my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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