Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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