??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
