just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
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