I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
