apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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