So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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