I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
