I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
