its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
