It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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