thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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