Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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