Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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