You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
