Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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