Sry I called you an 8
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
