Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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