a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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