Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
