hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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