the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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