Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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