i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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