i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
We need to get me chipped asap
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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